mood: “put ‘em up feat. pharrell” n.o.r.e.
Now this is a story all about how my life got fake-flipped, turned upside down. This web review-inspired short is purely imaginative and meant to be a fun read, but it may or may not be inspired by truth. Maybe. Or not. Probably. Enjoy!
While many people look forward to spending their time with family over the holidays, I like to split that time up by making it impossible for them to be around me.
November to January is a really long time to be around people you spend countless hours with, not because you chose them to be in your life with surgical precision, but because biology is often an evil little troll with the attention to detail God gave a puppy at training school in a squirrel field. I love my family, but a guy needs a break from time to time.
I booked a seven-day, six-night stay at the lovely Starburst Hotel six months in advance (I take trips bi-annually because the only thing better than being here is being all the way the heck over there). I’d heard many wonderful things about the planet Saturn and it had a 4.5 star rating on Yelp and TripAdvisor. Someone on Facebook said it was like staying in the shoe the old woman lived in, if the shoe were made of the outer space version of Italian marble, the solar system equivalent to crushed velvet and the hopes and dreams of 1,000 baby unicorns. So I signed up because I didn’t think I was too good for any of that.
I slept most of the way to the planet. I landed safely at Saturn Intergalactic Airport and from there, took a shuttle to the Starburst. Upon my arrival at the hotel, I was greeted with rings. The staff there met me with actual rings. Saturn is the Hawaii of the cosmos.
In the lobby of the hotel was a large open space with comfy chairs and couches for stargazing. One of the moons was my like a neighbor to me in my hotel room. The views were phenomenal and the cable channels were as limitless as the universe the TV signals traveled through. Oh, and the food. The food was out of this world! Heh.
Saturn is truly blessed. I know this because God liked it enough to put a ring on it. From a distance (that being me in my earthly home on my earthly bed looking at Google images), Saturn is my favorite planet, and the Starburst Hotel is an Infinity Gem. Experiencing the splendor and magnitude of it is something I would recommend everyone do. The locals were nice, the hotel staff was very accommodating and the atmosphere was mesmerizing. The only problem I had with my visit is that what goes up to outer space must come down to earth. The fact that my stay wasn’t permanent and I still had three upcoming holidays to celebrate on back home was the only poop stain on the underwear of my vacation. At least when my family Jujus on my nerves, I can mentally take myself back to this hotel and spiritually be light years away from all the foolery.
I give this hotel five starts.